A Saturday without you

I’m sitting here on a Saturday morning going through my David Bowie CD’s to look at making my youngest sister a mixed tape (do we still say that?) as since he passed away she has said she would like to discover more Bowie and it is true to say I am an expert.  

However, while looking at the CD’s I open it to see a flyer saying ‘looking for more beyond the legendary music?’.  It hits me that David himself will now never know how much he meant to me and how he has been there for me throughout my life.

I am not just a fan.  I am so much more than a fan.  He is part of who I am.  He is in my core. I have loved him and his music since I was 12 years old so it’s been one of my longest relationships in my life.  There are those who would scuff at this and say I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me.  I think these people are jealous that they can never know such a powerful love.  Such warmth from just hearing him speak. Such excitement to see him perform.

A tear falls from my eye and I realise I am crying.  I still feel so sad that I will never now get to meet him.  I only ever wanted to tell him how wonderful he is.  I always thought there was more time.  I truly believed that one day we would meet.  It felt tangible.  I have really struggled to believe he is really gone.  That chance; that opportunity has been taken away from me.  Yes, I know this sounds rather selfish and of course I am terribly sad for Iman and his children too, but today I am talking honestly about my feelings about Mr David Bowie and what he meant to me.

For I truly think he was wonderful.  He was generous – he gave his songs away and helped others.  He had a great sense of humour – just look at jazzin for blue jean video. In fact, I think he was so wonderful that for the first time ever in my life I now have a tattoo that has the Bowie stars and ‘cause you’re wonderful’ on my wrist with a small heart.  It has brought some comfort and for that I am grateful.  But I still miss him and regret that I wasn’t more proactive in trying to meet him.

On the flyer it says ‘Join David’s community’. Well since January 2016, I have discovered just how wonderful our Bowie community is.  I feel they understand my feelings, my love; my soul love for him.  I don’t need to explain.  I can’t explain.  And I shouldn’t have to.  It’s who I am.  Just accept me for me.

So thinking about my sister’s tape, I am definitely going to put ‘Rock n roll suicide’ on it!  Have a good Saturday everyone.